Most people, including myself, seek to understand the “why” in their relationship problems.
Why does he always do that?
Why is she so needy?
Why does this always happen to me?
What am I doing or saying that makes her react like that?
Why do all of my relationships end this way?
Why, Why, Why?
The truth is, most answers aren’t found by discovering the “why”. Searching for the why is simply searching for a source, a cause, a singularity to blame. And what we know about relationships, families, and systems in general, is that life is never as simple as cause and effect.
Sure, on the surface it looks like your partner always ______ (insert the most annoying thing they do that bothers you) because they just want to make your life miserable, or because they are just unhappy with their own life, or because that’s exactly what their mom/dad did, or because _______ (insert the most probable answer you have come up with at this point).
But what if I told you there was more? What if I told you that even the most annoying, horrible, frustrating thing that your partner does goes far beyond a “just because”? What if I told you there was not just one concrete source, reason, or person to blame? Your partner’s faults are the product of a complex history that has shaped their worldview, their internal compass, and their behaviors. Their emotional makeup most likely has very little to do with you.
What if I told you that it’s the exact same when it comes to you? There’s far more than a simple “why” behind how you are in your relationships. The question, then, is more this: Are you up for the work it takes to face what is beyond the surface? Like an archaeologist exploring the canyons of Todra Gorge, are you ready to face new horizons and explore the deeper parts of your internal world?
What you find may be overwhelming. It may be breathtaking. It could be the key to a whole new world, as one of my childhood favorites says. Your past doesn't have to shape every part of your future; you can be a person and a partner who is open to the never-ending adventure of finding yourself within your relationships. And don’t let the fear of what you may find keep you from taking the plunge. This is why I recommend finding a professional “tour guide” (therapist, counselor, fellow soul-searcher) who knows what to look for and how to explore.
Through that process, you will discover the key to your own happiness and healing.